Receiving the Results

Receiving the results following the diagnostic process had the largest impact.

I had been through two phone calls with the diagnostician to cover intake, essentially answering question after question about my life and current circumstances, and I had been to her office for 4 hours of testing 2 weeks prior to receiving the evaluation report. While I thought I was seeking an ADHD diagnosis, it became clear throughout the process that autism was much more likely.

This shouldn’t have come as a surprise. My daughter had been diagnosed with autism at age 8. When her school suggested she may be autistic, I thought that was ridiculous. I had seen the movie, Rainman. I thought I knew what autism was. My daughter had merely inherited my sparkling personality, as I liked to joke.

Even so, the 17-page evaluation report that Tuesday morning upended my perception of myself, everything I had thought I was. The evaluator emailed the report to me an hour before our scheduled call to review. It wasn't so much the bottom line, the provisional autism diagnosis, that was disturbing. The details throughout the report were the real eye-openers. The autism scoring didn't rate me with cute and quirky Asperger's, but moderate to severe autism. Among the many tests was the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory (MCMI-IV) results, a test which evaluates personality, including disorders, and to which I personally selected the answers, was particularly disturbing. While no personality disorders were specifically identified, it painted a picture of me as interacting robotically with others, apparently without any feeling, often with surprising callousness, and including an appearance of narcissism. This wasn't and isn't at all how I feel inside. The discordance was unsettling. I'm still wrestling with that two weeks later.

But I really only had time to scan the report before getting on the call with the evaluator, and most of these thoughts had yet to registered with me. In fact, as I reviewed the results with the evaluator, including the MCMI, I was agreeing that they sounded about right. It was only after the call that I read through them again and again, as the meaning began to sink in.

Running through my head the last two weeks has been the line from Mr. Roboto by Styx, “I'm not a robot without emotions, I'm not what you see.” My ex-boyfriend — more on him and the breakup another time — told me after I received my results that I was the ice queen. He had said this during our relationship, but I thought he was joking. He insists I had and displayed no feelings. Yet my feelings for him were excruciatingly deep, which is why the year and a half break-up caused so much pain and continues to do so.

The past two weeks since I received my evaluation report have been uncomfortable to say the least. While I did follow up with my primary care provider as suggested by the evaluator and was prescribed Wellbutrin for the ongoing depression, and that did have some effect on my lowest moods, I found myself drinking more, something I shouldn't be doing on Wellbutrin. I continue to be unmotivated to work on my self-employment business, and the financial situation is becoming dire. I am scheduled to see a therapist who deals with autism in another week, and I hope that will help, but I think it will just scratch the surface.

So you, kind reader, are my therapist for now. I will update you following my therapy appointment, and I will be posting more about my 54 years with undiagnosed autism and the difficulties that caused in my life, now in retrospect.